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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    beets The next time you buy a bottle of pomegranate juice just remember that your money is going to fund more pomegranate billboards and not a better tasting pomegranate Don t be the sheep of the pomegranate lobby people You re better than that Most of you at least CAMPAIGN FOR DIET CREAM SODA by Kevin Malone Okay so I started drinking Diet Cream Soda and I can t get enough of it It s so good That s why I want to put it in the vending machine so everyone can enjoy the creamy soda goodness It s like drinking a can of liquid gold I m not a big fan of diet drinks but diet cream soda doesn t even taste like a diet soda It just tastes good like regular soda If I get more than half of the office to agree to switch out grape soda for diet cream soda Michael will let me do it so I need your signatures Come sign up on the clipboard at my desk You will not regret it DON T TOUCH MY CUP by Meredith Palmer I have a cup that I drink out of It s a 32 oz cup from a convenience store and I drink from it every day I have no idea who s doing this but somebody has been washing it out at night and leaving it in the kitchen Look if I wanted a clean cup I d just go buy a new one I don t need you or your legion of cleaning elves to come snooping around my desk touching my cup and doing things to it It s my cup It s not your cup Keep your hands to yourself or I will find you and make you regret ever touching my cup in the first place You ve been warned FOR SALE XBOX 360 by Jim Halpert Hey guys I know I probably shouldn t be using this as my own personal eBay but it seemed like as good a place as any so here goes My girlfriend you might know her cute girl really nice extremely intolerant to loud noises at late hours of the night answers to the name of Beesly hates my Xbox 360 She thinks I spend way too much time playing it especially because our time together has been extremely limited lately I agree I should be playing a Wii instead because then she ll play with me So I m selling my Xbox 360 to save up for a Wii and to get back in her good graces Once I get her hooked on Wii bowling she ll never complain about my video games again The system comes with six games two controllers and a pretty awesome graphic that my girlfriend drew on the side of the two of us spending quality time together reading as a reminder of what my priorities should be You can have the whole package for 300 or

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_082108.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    expands in warm weather I m not sure if the same proves true for Superman the Man of Steel but if he sticks to shorts in the summertime he should be okay And those are your Flax Seeds for this month Check back next month when I ll plant some new seeds of wisdom into the gardens of your mind Also keep in mind that vacation requests must be made at least two weeks in advance Thanks for reading PLEASE FULLY FILL IN ALL FORMS by Oscar Martinez Hello It seems that people have gotten very lazy recently regarding their paperwork This especially applies to the salespeople When you hand in a form to accounting be it a purchase order a requisition form or any other form you NEED to fill in all the spaces completely How are we in accounting supposed to know who Jackie is You need to include Jackie s last name You should also write Jackie s phone number and the name of his her business on the form If you don t your customer s order will be delayed and more importantly perhaps your commission will be delayed Fully completing an order form doesn t take long Just fill in all the sections of whatever paperwork you re handing in to us and you ll be all set Thank you for your time POSTCARD FROM TOBY by Toby Flenderson with Editorial Assistance by Michael Scott Toby sent the office a postcard last week Even though I don t miss him at all I thought you all would want to read what he wrote Hey Everyone Things are great down here in Costa Rica I m learning how to surf and You know what I won t let Toby waste any more space in my newsletter This is for news not boring messages from stupid people who used to work here If you want to read the rest of it I ll put it up in the kitchen I AM NOT RELATED TO THAT BASKETBALL PLAYER by Pam Beesly Several of you have asked some of you more than once so I wanted to set the record straight and say that I am not nor have I ever been related to Michael Beasley the basketball player who was just bought by the NBA Bought doesn t seem like the right word here is chosen better Jim Anyone I know our last names sound the same but think about this they re spelled completely differently Also he s black and I m not I realize this doesn t necessarily mean that we can t be related but in this case it means that we re not related Sorry to disappoint you guys If we were related I m sure I could get people Sixers tickets when his team and I have no idea what team that is comes to town but unfortunately for everyone we are not related Please stop asking me It s getting annoying WATCH

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_071708.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    month were a big hit or so Michael says so he asked me to come up with some more Flax Seeds Here they are Let sleeping dogs lie If you bother a dog while it s sleeping you might get bitten and while the dog s bite may not be as bad as its bark a bite s a bite you know India is a country that s also a subcontinent Indian people like to eat flatbread called naan If you try to light this flatbread on fire you d be a naan smoker A group of lions is called a pride A group of lions marching can be called a Pride Parade A group of homosexual lions marching and celebrating both their sexuality and the fact that they re marching can be called a Pride Parade Pride Parade Salsa is America s favorite condiment Oddly enough America is salsa s favorite country so it really works both ways June is the only month that rhymes with cartoon Come on back next month where I ll have some more brain busting Flax Seeds for you And let me know if you have any HR problems I m here for you NOTES FROM THE WAREHOUSE by Darryl Philbin Not much to report down here One of the trucks got a flat last week so we had to work a double shift to make up all the lost time That was pretty bad because Lonny had to leave early to go to his niece s ballet thing Also a raccoon got in the baler which ended up being kind of messy Madge volunteered to clean it out though so I guess our Employee of the Month is Madge Congratulations Madge You don t win nothing but we all got a clean baler because of you Thanks Also to the people that keep coming down to the warehouse without shoes on stop it immediately Do you know how much you could hurt if you stepped on a screw or something Don t be an idiot put some shoes on WALK WITH ME by Phyllis Vance Hello everybody The summer is here and you know what that means it s bikini season I want to try in get in better shape so I can impress Bob Vance when we go down to his beach house in July I weighed no pun intended all my exercise options and decided I m going to start walking around the building for twenty minutes before work every day If it s too hot I ll just use the hallways inside If you re interested in joining me just let me know I ll be buying new sweatbands this weekend and I d be happy to pick some up for anyone else too God knows I need them because I really sweat a lot when I exercise So anyway please join me in my new athletic endeavor Thank you WATCH THIS A sometimes Monthly Movie Review Column by M

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_061908.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    scares the fire away with static electricity Fires don t come near static electricity That s why fabric softener dryer sheet factories never catch on fire Just remember if there s a fire around stop drop and roll It could save you from dying OMG ADVICE by Kelly Kapoor Oh my God you guys I m totally bored with this column I don t even think anybody reads it I thought it would be so much fun but it s really not Plus I just don t have time to come up with fake questions anymore I hope you guys aren t like totally mad at me for stopping but I just can t keep doing it I m really busy and it s just not that interesting to me I mean why write an advice column if there are really awesome sales I could be looking at online You see my point If you need any real advice come by my desk and ask me I don t really know much about families or money or anything like that so just try to focus on boys or make up or decorating because those are really my areas of expertise Peace out you guys GOOD WRITTANCE TOBY by Michael Scott I know some of you miss Toby already Stop wasting your time He s not worth your tears Instead focus on the great things we can do now that Toby s gone Remember when I wanted to have those pig races in the office and Toby said that it was a health code violation and it wasn t even work related so there was no way we could ever have pig races in the office Well guess what Now that Toby s gone we re going to have pig races every week I called a guy who owns pigs and he s going to supply the porkers for a nominal fee that I will gladly cover Can t you just see those little piggies flying around the floor by accounting I can Did you know they race for Oreos I found that out when I saw the pig races at the state fair That s where I got the idea for pig races in the first place Man we re going to have so much fun now that Toby s gone I have about a million things planned This office is going to be a funatorium now that that sad sack with the droopy eyes is gone He had the droopiest eyes didn t he He did He really did Blech FANTASY BASEBALL UPDATE by Kevin Malone If you re not in my fantasy baseball league then you can skip to the next section This only really applies to Andy Jim Phyllis and myself Hey guys I still need the entry fees 20 from all of you I don t want to be a jerk about it but if I don t get the entry fee from you before June

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_052208.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    days So stop by my desk and let me know if you re interested in playing in a very loosely structured game I m thinking of trying to get a regular game on Saturday mornings down at McDade Park but if you have other suggestions for times dates locations I m very flexible See you on the hardwood blacktop OMG ADVICE by Kelly Kapoor This month I want to tackle some really important issues that affect all of us like healthy eating and babies Just as a reminder Michael won t let me accept questions from anybody in the office so I just make them up Dear Kelly Awesome column last month Keep up the good work I was just wondering if you had any tips for eating healthfully in the office Erika Thank you for the compliments Erika You re obviously very smart I have like a million tips for healthy eating here at work The first one is really simple When you re having a bad day sometimes it feels really good to buy a lot of candy bars from the vending machine and eat them all Don t do this When I m mad at something usually Ryan I ll go to the vending machine but instead of candy bars I buy gum I like to put all the gum in my mouth at one time and then slowly start chewing By the time it s gotten all soft and chewy I m not mad anymore Do you want to have a baby with me Justin Timberlake YES But you have to buy me a diamond first a baby sized diamond which is really different than a baby diamond LOST VERY IMPORTANT SCULPTURE by Meredith Palmer I don t really know what this supposed to be but since Mike keeps bugging me about it I ll do my best Hi everyone I lost a really important piece of art that my son made for me a few years back I don t know if I ever brought it into work but I thought I d give it a shot in case I had It s supposed to look like a dinosaur but it looks more like a beige piece of crap with a horn If you see it let me know It s the only artwork my son has ever made for me and I think I might be able to sell it in a few years DID YOU SCRATCH MY CAR by Oscar Martinez I know we ve had a lot of drama recently regarding the parking situation and I for one didn t want to have to deal with anything else involving parking Unfortunately someone who parked next to me scratched my car and I want to know who it was It looks like the scratch is from a darker color car like gray or navy blue or black It s not a huge deal but I drive a white car and scratches really show

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_042408.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    a Frisbee with me when I go for walks because sometimes you see a dog who just wants to play It s always good to be prepared 2 Go see a couple of movies I like to pay the bargain matinee price for my first movie and then stay for a few more for free Just hide in the bathroom in between flicks and bring a couple of different hats so the ushers don t recognize you when you re going from theater to theater It s easy 3 Do whatever religious thing you re supposed to do on Good Friday I don t know what it is but I bet Angela can fill you in For the record Corporate has requested that you work twice as hard during the first half of the day DWIGHT SPEAKS by Dwight Schrute There has been a recent upswing in our office supply usage and it s time to address this problem head on Just because we sell paper and other office supplies does not mean we can treat the supplies that we use in our office as if they re an unlimited resource Yes there is a warehouse downstairs that houses a large supply of pens and yes whenever we run out of pens it s very easy to go downstairs and grab a new box These pens are not free however Much the opposite When we take pens from the warehouse we are literally taking money away from the very company we represent Those pens represent lost revenue people Revenue we will NEVER recoup So next time you carelessly lose your pens like a frivolous child at a Montessori school just remember that you re essentially stealing from the company for your carelessness Hold onto your pens or there will be consequences NOTES FROM THE WAREHOUSE by Darryl Philbin I don t really know what this supposed to be but since Mike keeps bugging me about it I ll do my best Lonny s been trying to slim down a lot recently You guys know Lonny big guy doesn t really come upstairs much Anyway he cut out soda from his diet which is pretty good cause that dude used to drink a two liter of Coke every day Every single day So now that he s not drinking it he s losing some of that weight He s got a ways to go though Some of you office folk have asked me if I ever talk to Roy and I can t say that I do that much We email sometimes but that s about it Seems like he s doing okay though I ll tell him that you all have been asking about him Not much going on with me but if something happens I ll save it for the next newsletter Okay Be cool Peace WATCH THIS A Monthly Movie Review by Michael Gary Scott Into The Wild The first half So I saw Into the Wild a

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_032008.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    one basis but I do not like confrontation WATCH THIS A Monthly Movie Review Column Defending Your Life by Michael Gary Scott I know this isn t a new movie but I couldn t sleep last week and it was the only movie On Demand that I hadn t seen so I watched it And guess what It was incredible This is definitely one of my Top 100 movies now It stars Albert Brooks as a guy who dies He goes to this place called Judgment City where he meets Meryl Streep and the mean producer guy from The Larry Sanders Show I never really liked that show and I wasn t alone the studio audience never even laughed at it In Judgment City people go to court to defend their lives which is the title of the movie There s a pretty good love story going on but the best parts are when you find out all the awesome stuff about Judgment City Like did you know that when you die and go to Judgment City you can eat all the food you want and never gain a pound Oh and did I mention that it s the best food you ve ever tasted Well it is I literally cannot wait to get there My one big question is how did they get the cameras up to Judgment City if you have to be dead to be there Did they have to hire dead cameramen or just people that were on their way there anyway It was kind of confusing because they never explain that Oh I almost forgot They have this thing called The Pavilion of Past Lives or something like that where you get to go and see who you were before you were you AS HOLOGRAMS How cool is that In terms of the acting Albert Brooks was really funny although not as funny as he was in Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World I d give the movie eight thumbs up out of ten If you get On Demand you should definitely see Defending Your Life STANLEY S CORNER by Stanley The Manley Hudson Once again I am not writing anything for this silly newsletter I don t know how much clearer I can be Transcribed word for word by Michael Scott DWIGHT SPEAKS by Dwight Schrute Many among us have fond memories of snowball fights when we were juveniles Let me be the first to remind you that those days are gone Snowballs cause millions of injuries every day I don t have exact statistics but snowball related deaths are surely on the rise When I was a boy I threw a snowball at my cousin Heindl and was unaware that I had included ice into said ball When the snowball struck him in the face it sliced into him with the force of a small tornado or hail storm Heindl has been permanently disfigured ever since Let that be a lesson to

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_022108.shtml (2016-04-24)
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  • Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter
    fork cannot stick through something he doesn t eat it As a result Mose has never choked on a seed or pit He also avoids eating items that look like food but aren t food You might even say that Mose is still alive today because he pokes his fork through all of his food Try it It just might save your life Sleep sitting up with your back to your door Have you ever fallen out of bed Mose hasn t That s because he doesn t lie down when he sleeps and his back is always on his door This also helps him avoid the problem of somebody breaking into his room while he sleeps He does it to guard against monsters but home invasions are a real threat and he s unknowingly stopping any unwanted intruders from entering his room He also evades sore throats and congestion because fluid can t pool in his lungs throat and nose during the night Perhaps best of all Mose will never get a bed sore Try sleeping like Mose tonight It just might save your life Only cut your hair when it gets in the way Hair is a tool not a decoration It grows on the body and head to prevent heat loss and serve as a layer of protection to the skin Mose never cuts his hair until it grows long enough to obstruct his vision or becomes a distraction He certainly never shaves any of his body hair While society may frown upon Mose s hairy ways he ll have the last laugh when he outlives us all When it comes to follicle matters follow Mose s lead It just might save your life If you take these lessons from Mose your life will no doubt be improved The next time you come up against any situation just ask yourself how would Mose handle this and you ll know exactly what to do P S The only area you shouldn t take advice from Mose is in human interaction he s just not very social like the rest of the Schrutes NEW HR POLICY from Toby Flenderson Please be aware that I m instituting a new policy due to some recent unfortunate events From now on I ll be locking the cabinets that hold my HR files I discovered that someone has taken it upon themselves to go through and modify some of the files and this is unacceptable I m sorry to introduce this forceful measure but it s something that has to be done as Human Resources information is private and confidential I wish our office could operate as an open environment but this is sadly not the case Also to whoever altered my own file I d like to state for the record that I am not nor have I ever been a poo eating butt bot I m not even sure what that is WATCH THIS A Monthly Movie Review Column by Michael

    Original URL path: http://www.dundermifflin.com/newsletter/scranton/scranton_011708.shtml (2016-04-24)
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