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  • GameSpy: A Plea on Behalf of Curling - Page 1
    nothing but hats with ear flaps ESPN PRO X TREME CURLING In Japan we ll call it Heroic Curler Advance Not sold yet Consider these advantages to an X treme curling video game A curling team captain is named the Skip This means it s actually perfectly legitimate to yell What up Skip as a greeting Multiplayer made easy thanks to the fact that Latency isn t an issue In fact this is probably the only sporting game that would allow you to play by email Unlike OTHER Olympic sports the French and Russian judges can t flup it all up Now I m not trying to say that what happened to the Canadians in figure skating was a total bend over buttrape but well yes yes I am Give me a crowbar and point me toward some knees people Special curling videogame cheat modes could include a code where instead of brooms opposing teams go at it with pitchforks A Curling game would be the perfect venue for multiplayer class based teamplay You d have the Skip who s sort of a team captain and strategist the Sweepers who use the brooms to help maneuver the stone down the ice and you have the Stoners who sit on the sidelines and smoke Curling is also known as The Roaring Game It s just begging for a hardcore videogame soundtrack filled with licensed music such as the throbbing curling beats of Motorhead Bon Jovi or Captain and Tennille You could unlock famous historical teams such as the infamous February 1540 Scottish curling duel between countryman Gavin Hamilton and a latin speaking monk named John Sclater I believe the exact words of Sclater s challenge were Curlus glutemus un exlemporo which roughly translates to I m gonna curl this rock so

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/493/493869p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Ordain Me! - Page 1
    the rites and ceremonies of the church WEDDINGS MARRY your BROTHER SISTER or your BEST FRIEND Not to each other I would hope But then again how could they stop me I d be legally ordained I could just start marrying people willy nilly Hell I could do it while hanging out the window of my car Sort of a drive by nuptualing FUNERALS A very hard time for you and your family Don t settle for a minister you don t know We honor today the memory of Bob fragged in his youth Bob was a generous man He never camped the armor yay verily he did give it freely to teammates in need BAPTISMS You can say WELCOME TO THE WORLD I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE What a special way to welcome a child of God I don t seem to remember that passage about the Uncle being in the bible but I guess that s the kind of stuff you learn during the 48 hour ordination procedure I would love to baptize children Imagine if you will a font of Mountain Dew and a Playstation controller I d better stop FORGIVENESS OF SINS Forgiveness of Sins is granted to all who ask in sincerity and willingness to change for the better Bless me Fargo for I have sinned What did you do frag a teammate No I used the wallhack cheat NEVER Go to hell VISIT CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES Since you will be a Certified Minister you can visit others in need Grand Theft Auto 3 would probably be a hit in the penal system For only 29 95 you will receive 1 8 inch by 10 inch certificate IN COLOR WITH GOLD SEAL CERTIFICATE IS PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED BY AN INK PRESS 2 Proof of Minister

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/493/493878p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Serious Teamplay - Page 1
    dunno what happened but it all went South kay see I drew this chart of the situation Pictured right So like there s me n e z and we re at that place by the pillars right And those headless guys are charging and there are these guys coming up behind us Now most of them are gunnin straight for e z but I can t just abandon my boy right So what would you do I mean like do you think maybe we wanted to back off get back against the wall Or maybe just run backwards and try to get them all grouped together so we could use the rockets Or you know just try to make a break for it between the pillars what up What would tha mastah do Serious Tim I m glad you came to see me because this is a pretty tricky situation It s this kind of conflict that makes the game really stand out in my mind really separates the pros from the joes So let me take a look at this Studies diagram Okay give me a minute here to make some notes Serious Tim takes out a marker and makes several squeaky scribbles on the chart biting his lip Right Okay Kamakrazy you still with me Take a look at the notes I drew to your diagram posted here on the right Now what I ve done is I ve circled all of the guys you need to shoot Good luck Next caller Gunzman Yo yo Serious Tim Long time fan first time writer Anyways I was really low on ammo and my teammates were busy clearing out the other half of this big chamber which left me alone with one of those pumpkin headed dudes Serious Tim Shoot him Gunzman But I m really low on Serious Tim Shoot him Gunzman But he s got a pu Serious Tim What part of SHOOT HIM don t you understand The Shoo or the T him Next caller FreddyC Hello Tim I ve been studying tactics for Serious Sam ever since the first game and the more I experiment the more and more I find myself coming home to your good solid workable technique Serious Tim Thanks man Now what s your question FreddyC Well my question revolves around the open courtyard you find round about the middle of the Babylonian levels I had about seven guys on the server with me As you know there s a large gate at the other end of the courtyard filled with hostiles we presumed I had two guys with shotguns on point one on either side of the far door Myself and another player strategically positioned ourselves up on the ledges by the high end of the entrance ramp on either side of the entrance We both had sniper rifles Two of our more aggressive guys one of whom was badly wounded camped just forward of our position up on those little

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/493/493880p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: The Physics of the Jiggle - Page 1
    hang on you do all the complete animations for the character models in a game Moore Well our staff is capable of doing that but typically we just animate certain fleshy parts of the anatomy See the current generation of computer 3D animation software has processes and shortcuts in place to render joints and bones and linear movement like that but there s no simple way to capture the jauncy bounces of succulent fleshy bits so ripe and firm you just want to take them in your mouth and suckle em like a creamy choc o pop Fargo You lost me Doctor Are you saying you just animate breasts Moore We like to use the term gazongas But that would be an oversimplification We also do up butts real good It s the next great frontier in fighting game technology Fargo But how difficult could that be Why couldn t the work be done in house Moore As I said the tools aren t there An artist could work for a month trying to animate a firm C cup and not get it right And a double D behaves tremendously different in a midriff tank top than it would in a tight tube top try it someday Can you draw for me the difference between the bounce of a B cup in a moist tee shirt vs an A cup that s using a wonderbra You need expert physicists to unravel these mysteries Fargo Physics Moore Right That s our specialty Applied anatomical physics For example take a good look at this picture of a woman endowed with a tremendous set of martial arts abilities Fargo I find it difficult not to Moore Good Now as she bends down to make her move you can see several forces being applied to her plump firm ripened melons And there s inertia to consider plus the make and cut of the fabric and of course the cold weather Newton s second law tells us how to calculate the acceleration of a body once we know the forces acting on it The forces may vary as the body moves but provided we can write explicit expressions for how the forces vary with time position tautness and velocity we can determine the delicious acceleration of the body at every point during its motion as well as whether or not it will pop out jeopardizing the game s rating See here Moore Now all we need to do to locate the body at any given point in time is to simply substitute the appropriate data into the kinematic equations Here at T A Imaging we ve put together formulae for everything from underwire bras to spandex And I personally have put in hours and hours of field research As you can see from the final results hard physics oh so very hard pays off again with the convincing illusion of mammary motion like a delicious quivering zip lock bag fulla chocolate puddin Fargo Impressive Moore

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/493/493898p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Mike Sliszowski's War - Page 1
    teamplay maps for a little of what I like to call Eine Kleine NachtSchlaughter We ve already discussed the relative merits of always playing as the Germans and no map shows off our skillz better than multiplayer objective based map number 3 Omaha Beach I m about to teach you something I like to call Mike Sliszowski s 100 Impenetrable Online Beach Defense of the Weeping If everyone played the game my way then eight Germans could lock that map down tighter than Britney s thighs So listen up First The Basic Principle See the central tenet of Mike Sliszowski s Impenetrable Beach Defense of the Weeping is that 75 of People Who Play Games Online are Smacktards There s no sense trying to mobilize your whole team half of them can t type All you need are a couple of Germans goose stepping the Mike Sliszowski way and the smacktards can round out the rest of the effort in whatever misguided way they choose A lot like the real war So let s take a look at the map Area One The Two Bunkers AKA Der Bodybagen The Bunkers Deadly I call these Der Bodybagen because This is Where Germans Go to Die You so much as reach for one of those two machineguns and every single yay hoo on that beach from Weehawken to Chino is going to gun at you with bazookas and sniper rifles while you sit in the most conspicuous part of the map spewing tracer fire from your position You might as well paint a target on your head and stick your hands in the air buzznuts Maybe invest in some neon that says Shoot me Sad but true it s more dangerous to be in these buildings than to be on the beach

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/493/493913p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Talking Football - Page 1
    s still not as exciting as we d like That s why shaithis and I decided to step into the booth to demonstrate our own football calling prowess You ll enjoy these sound bites the most if you play them in order Fargo left on color commentary shaithis on the play by play Let s take a look at some common football situations and how shaithis and I would handle them Incomplete Pass Another Incomplete The Quarterback is Sacked Sacked again Someone shot the food Going for the Blitz Of course good commentary reveals an in depth knowledge of the intricacies of the game That s why I like to get into the heads of the coaches Listen up as we discuss play possibilities in the following situations 1st and 10 2nd deep in own territory 3rd and long 4th and inches on the goal line One thing missing from football video games today is the use of the chalkboard you know when announcers draw on your TV screen to describe a play shaithis and I are naturals here Using the chalkboard to explain a play Team is forced to punt My least favorite part of NFL Fever is that no matter what happens toward the end of the game the moronic announcer says I love this fourth quarter You never hear him say that a quarter sucks So we came up with our own commentary for the right situations A slow fourth quarter An even slower quarter An immensely weak quarter But now a very special message It s time to switch gears for a moment Listen to Fargo describe the ultimate play the most memorable moment in NFL history the play that shaped the lives of a generation THE IMMACULATE RECEPTION Or download to the high quality version

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/493/493891p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Tolkien's Greatest Legacies - Page 1
    yore they re the kind of people you want to get drunk with at parties If dwarves were around today they d probably work in sales Two Elves are Hot Thank you Tolkien for giving us another excuse to think about Liv Tyler naked See leave it to the master to take a bunch of fruity pointy eared little people and turn them into tall handsome badasses who can skewer six monsters with a single arrow Think about this right they live forever that means the elven chicks are always hot I thought this whole hot elves thing was working in my favor It spawned off the entire Hot Elven Fantasy Babe tm phenomena an industry staple It also gave me as an ugly adolescent male an excuse to read But now I m older wiser and I ve seen things the other way around There I was sitting in the movie theatre appreciating the whole Liv Tyler thing Then the movie ends and we re walking outside and my wife says to me Oh my God that elf guy was HOT That s right the whole hot elf thing bit me in the ass Beware Three Orcs Always Come in Numbers That s right orcs evil twisted little misshapen critters with a hunger to obediently kill Ever since Tolkien hordes or orcs have been a staple of fantasy literature one that Blizzard made tremendous use of for that whole WarCraft thing You ll notice that orcs are always seen in hordes usually running down a hillside screaming and waving swords Here s something you never see One or two orcs just hanging out You know an orc sitting around reading the paper in the orcish breakroom or maybe standing in line at the cash machine by the movie theatre You never see a couple of orcs casually chatting it up by the drinking fountain How s it going Uruk Hug Pretty zub zub today Gnuklosh Me and six hundred others are gonna head out later on to fight a ranger Four Humans are Troublemakers I knew this instinctively ever since Teddy Weaver gave me an atomic wedgie in eighth grade gym class mankind is an evil horrid race We ve known it ever since we ate that apple It s a common theme in Tolkien s work you know men got the darkness but a few can overcome it You can still see this today as evidenced by the Home fiasco and the music of Limp Bizkit Damn us Damn us all Five You Have to be Very Old to be a Wizard but You Will Rock The character of Gandalf is precisely what people think of whenever someone says the word wizard In a previous column I already talked about how curious it is that you never see young powerful wizards just old guys with beards How does this work exactly When you apply to be a wizard do they do beard measurements I m sorry your hair

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494240p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Pikmin: The Unauthorized Biography - Page 1
    vengeance on this whole system Day two A most curious thing a small red sprout creature emerged from a red pincushion object He appears to be a mindless drone subject to my every whim I plan to perform grotesque anatomical experiments on him shortly after he hauls some individually wrapped cheeses back and forth Day three My minions for I have discovered how to make more of these sycophantic delicious sprout creatures have started to assist me in the creation of a missile shaped manually piloted superweapon With it I shall render the inhabitants of this hellish planet into scorched and whimpering shrivelled balls of fleshless puss begging for a merciful death Also I found a pretty white flower Day Four Ahoy I ve discovered a yellow sack on legs capable of delivering to me yellow delicious sprout creatures in obscene numbers I already have 77 I can whip them about as one would hurl forth a bra at a rock concert With them at my side I can lay waste to entire continents Day Five I just discovered that you can smoke the red ones to get a wicked buzz I plan to experiment with this more tomorrow and document the results Day Six through Possibly Eight Or Perhaps Nine Here the journal contains several pages of unintelligible scribbles and diagrams featuring hundreds of delicious sprout creatures giant jaws a contraption vaguely resembling a radar dish wrapped in a condom and what is either a mushroom or mushroom cloud Day Ten I awoke in a region I don t recall flying to covered in a substance I believe to be mustard Of my hundreds of minions only a handful remain I discovered three of them suspended from a twig and another wrapped up in what I assume is a

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494237p1.html (2016-02-16)
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