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  • GameSpy: Lord of the Boards - Page 1
    what a strange sight he saw before him Standing at his door was The Professor that s what they called him though he wasn t a teacher at the college He was the oldest living student It was said Old VanGulf had first enrolled to the school back in the early 70s and hadn t graduated nor taken a class for years A long grey beard grew down to his waist covering up nearly all of his prized Punisher Tee shirt while a faded blue college parka covered his head and draped down nearly to the floor VanGulf didn t often stop by unless he was trying to score some of what he lovingly called smoky treats wherein he and Fred would fire up the Playstation from the comfort of a pair of beanbags and happily forget what day of the week it was Not today however What up Fred o VanGulf boomed Then without waiting for an answer he stomped into the room and bellowed Show me the board Fred found himself perpetually confused when VanGulf spoke in shorthand like that for the elder had way more experience partying and living up the college life than Fred He just scratched his head and turned on the PS2 assuming the old man wanted to bust out the Tony Hawk Pro Skater game yet again But no instead VanGulf reached underneath a pile of laundry and withdrew the nicked and creaky remains of a jet black skateboard with bright gold wheels that spun and clattered in the stillness of the tiny dorm room He flicked it to Fred Do you see any writing on it he demanded twas Forged in the land of Mordor where the shadows grind Fred peered at the skateboard while the wheels clicked to a stop Made

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494235p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: "I've Been a Twisted Nazi Scientist for Many Years. Let Me Tell You About What I've Learned." - Page 1
    network site PlanetWolfenstein I thought I d take this opportunity to talk turkey with one of the world s foremost authorities on supertechnology and dark rituals thought to be forgotten Doctor VonStumpf would it be fair to say that disgusting pseudo science went out the door with the close of the Nazi regime and how did that impact your career VonStumpf Foolish dependance on conventional armaments led only to catastrophic defeat As we have seen in countless cult movies and video games the real answer lies in superior application of gratuitous overblown pseudo scientific superweapons and archaic lore Fortunately many of us have been able to take our work underground As we like to say in this industry FOOLS FOOLS I LL SHOW THEM ALL You can quote that yes Fargo Any advice for any young people reading this today who are considering a career in diabolical pseudoscience and superweapon research VonStumpf I m glad you asked I ve prepared this short slide show entitled What I ve Learned from Twisted Secret Nazi Science Dr Klink fire up the tele projector please LIGHTS Hitler s Brain Lacks His Old Fashioned Charisma Once You Put It Into a Jar Rocketry is

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494221p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: An Opposing Viewpoint on Carjacking - Page 1
    a badass in a leather jacket holding an AK next to a hot car I mean to the untrained eye that s pretty phat Crowley Listen dorksqueeze I know what s cool I know cool when I see it I even am cool Off duty of course Carjacking Not cool Fargo Maybe if you had a chance to play the game officer to see what the big deal is Here scoot over on the couch here and let me turn on the PlayStation 2 Okay so the digital stick moves you around the X button runs the O button punches people and the Triangle button jacks cars Crowley Lemme guess the square button sells dope to schoolchildren Fargo Just try it See it a a big city and you can walk around and do whatever you want See how you just knocked that pimp to the ground Nice Crowey He was lookin at me Whoa hey check it out now I have a baseball bat Aww ww www whh yeeeah Fargo Careful a crowd of bystanders seems to be gathering around you officer Gonna whack me some homeless Crowley I love how in this game you can hit people while they re rolling around on the ground normally I don t get a chance to do that YAH YAH Who s the daddy Check it I swing this bat around and commuter s heads are flying It s like harvest time at the coconut farm Uh oh here comes an ambulance Do you think I can mug the paramedics Fargo Don t you think that s immoral Crowley What did you say I can t hear you over the screaming and the shuddering thump of wood on flesh Dude these guys were loaded This is great Fargo Uhm officer sir We were supposed to be evaluating the safety and coolness of jacking cars and you haven t actually jacked any yet Crowley Son you ve gotta learn not to interrupt a police officer when he s busy pummeling gang members until their heads bleed EAT LOUISVILLE PUNK Ain t no hanky headed bitch gonna walk on my side of the road You want to see a carjack Watch this can I get into the abandoned ambulance Sweet How do I turn the siren on Can I honk the horn Naw forget it I want to mow these pimps down Yeeee aaah This thing is built like a tank Look at all those peds on the crosswalk I m gonna e brake into em sideways to take em all out Biggity BAM It s like mowing the lawn but with a carpet of screaming humanity Hey how many hookers can I get into this thing anyways Fargo I don t think that s appropriate sir Hurling molotov cocktails from a hijacked ambulance is dangerous and uncool Crowley What hookers in an ambulance They got oxygen back there adjustable beds maybe some morphine that s just a good time son Oh shit

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494247p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Metal Gear Solid 2: The Lost Footage - Page 1
    startling audio exchange Although the participants are unconfirmed we believe this is an actual radio conversation between Solid Snake hero of Metal Gear Solid 2 and his support team at base Click Here to Listen to the Audio or DOWNLOAD higher quality version PlanetFargo is posted every Friday at GameSpy com Read the archives Fargo is an online community gaming journalist who jacked a firetruck and managed to roll it

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494250p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: The Ludibrious prophet - Page 1
    s a man with unerring foreknowledge of the ebb and flow of empires and their cataclysmic fates how s he doin I turned this week s column over to him For more Empire Earth goodness hit our Empire Earth Info Page Being a Prophet Has Distinct Advantages You and you with the limbo sticks Let s tear this place apart Toga Toga Toga Let me open with a story right Dusk The buzz of insects seasons the breezy mediterranean air I stroll up the hillside where I can hear the plebians in their revelry Suddenly the music stops All eyes turn to me It s time for a proclamation you know some prophesizin from yours truly I foresee that you guys will gimmie free beer If not I foresee an earthquake That do it for you Yah Crank the Tenacious D and Let s do this thing Oh yes It s good to be the prophet My Father Was a Prophet Before Me There he is right there in the pic below This is the only screenshot I have of my dad Things were more primitive back then back before they figured out that bronze stuff Dad had a thing with masks Anyways Dad was your traditional prophet dude One day he tells the village elders Chaaaaange your waaaays He started waving his staff Our great God the Deliverer insists on piety Well I ain t no genius but even as a kid I figured that one out Piety ain t popular They stoned him to death A week later the entire village was devoured by snakes In my opinion everyone loses So I mean that s my first rule being a prophet No Piety No Snakes Works for me works for the peeps Dad always came home with mask

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494370p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: The Empire Strikes YOU - Page 1
    same server concentrating our efforts on subjugating the populace of Tatooine Our decision to do so was based off of long hours of research and our reasons for choosing the Empire are numerous Them Empire folks is some snappy dressers I felt it was only fair to warn you our readers and possible future subjects of what to expect before our reign of online galactic order begins In short we plan to crush the tiny world of Tatooine in our gauntleted fists bending the backwater populace to our will until they crumble into the sycophantic nose morsels they deep down need to be in order to be a part of our mighty and benevolent galactic empire Especially you Jawas with your creepy eyes that freak us out Shudders Enough with the setup Here are the ways in which the world of Tatooine will change once the GameSpy stormtroopers get control of it Tall Drive Through Microphones Will Allow Us to Order CheeseBurgers from Our At At Walkers Driver Excuse me I said No Onions for this burger Speaker Mnnn grrkk have onions bgzzz rrbbptpt Co Pilot I can never understand people through these damn speakers Driver That s because I

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494402p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Max Payne Gets a Job at El Pollo Loco - Page 1
    came in Tall Tight Legs that went all the way up so high you d have to take the bus She wore a blue dress tight as a tattoo across her thighs Outside it was wet wet like my loins thin falling sheets of mist like a heavy fog that the Californians considered a downpour But she didn t carry an umbrella just a bust bigger than the pride of the vice squad Tangled wet hair strung across her face like those dangling plastic dealies that whoosh over your car at the automated car wash Can I help you I asked but I knew the answer Women like that don t ask for your help they take it like it s deserved She ordered a number four and fries the way Carter would rescue hostages As I punched up her numbers I could feel those eyes roaming all over me taking my clothes for a walk the way old ladies would take out the dog If pupils had tongues I d have been as wet as her Instead I slipped her a receipt and turned around to do the breaded tango with the grill I knew My whole head knew knew with such cold hard knowingness that it was like remembering a steel brick This chick was gonna get her chicken And I was gonna make it happen Chapter Three Into the Furnace Across the flaming grill my eyes met Rico like two pubescents at the first Junior high Dance Rico owned Pollo Loco and a man like that thinks he owns anything on two legs with rounded goodness on the end that strolls into his turf Rico had this one pegged like a tent and marked for dead He was slapping down the BBQ sauce before the hollow ring of the register bell even finished echoing across the tiles of his glass lined castle with a drive through window and an aftertaste Not this time Rico This one s mine hombre B A R B E Q U E T I M E I dove apron flying behind me wind whistling I punched that grill in slow motion Long lines of hot red metal licked with flames like a hundred little Gene Simmonses trapped under a street grate covered with hot tasty all white meat Chicken broiled at one quarter speed Spices hung in the air like bullet shells They fell Done Spice in slow motion Chapter Four She Eats Chicken I gave her the chicken She sat down to eat the way you would parallel park a car She ate chicken She ate it with pearly white teeth lined up like soldiers at a meat parade ready to salute the sauce covered orders of a four star short order general with a taste for the Southwestern The coleslaw came down hard dribbling like opening night with the Knicks Then the string beans green tendrils like greased garlic knuckled fingers reaching cringingly out to grasp the deep ivory crunchiness

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494392p1.html (2016-02-16)
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  • GameSpy: Mars Needs Gamers - Page 1
    the structure and within moments the rocket roared into the heavens as a rickety steel gantry collapsed around it Dogs barked Distant houses turned on their lights Through parted curtains Zelienople stared at the white streak of smoke that carved its way into the sky unaware that the town was suddenly perched on the precipice of history But the ten month Mars mission that lauched that day from their backyards had been in planning for at least a year I myself took a trip to Western Pennsylvania to uncover the story behind the teens who made it happen Let s take a look at how they did it and why They Cancelled Sim Mars Brody a grim gangly 18 year old with heavy glasses and a ragged flannel shirt waved his arms emphatically as we spoke With his fanaticism it was easy to see how this young high schooler managed to surround himself with a crew and achieve the impossible As we talked the monitor behind him flickered in observer mode during a game of the Castle Wolfenstein test Brody NASA stopped at the moon They never went any farther not even to Mars our next door neighbor What did the cold war end there What happened I mean I wasn t even alive the last time we walked on the moon Total loss So then I thought if NASA wasn t going to take us to Mars then the videogame industry would save us So I waited for Sim Mars from Maxis the company that did Sim City And you know what happened Fargo They cancelled it Brody They cancelled Sim Mars What why Why What do THEY know about Mars that WE don t Since both civilian space agencies and the games industry failed me I knew what

    Original URL path: http://www.gamespy.com/articles/494/494379p1.html (2016-02-16)
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