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  • Glama, Act I, Scene 5 - Script
    time I say something funny We hear no rim shot this time Sean nods his approval SEAN continued Good to Jeff Marriage is like a three ring circus engagement ring wedding ring and suffering silence A man isn t complete until he s married then he s finished Again we hear no rim shot Sean looks disapprovingly at Jessie SEAN continued You know what they call a guy who hangs around with musicians pause A drummer We hear a short discordant clatter of drums but no rim shot Sean waves his hand toward the drummer as if to say I give up JEFF Don t you ever come up with any new jokes SEAN All jokes are old Jeff If some ancient Roman centurion had only written down the jokes of his day we d probably recognize them An oracle a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar But enough of that It looks like I ve got to stop you from making a terrible mistake I assume you re talking about Anita Listen Jeff don t get married JEFF But I love her SEAN Okay you love her That s half of the formula Love em and leave em Now it s time for the other half JEFF What a heartless man you are Sean No wonder you ve never found a soul mate SEAN It has nothing to do with finding a soul mate a perfect match It has everything to do with maneuvering you into her trap She s probably over there at the shop right now plotting how she s going to domesticate you Women are shrewd and devious They re never in doubt They have every move planned Lights come up on the Olvera street shop stage left where Anita and Carmen are chatting Jeff and Sean freeze Lights dim on stage right ANITA I don t know what to do about Jeff CARMEN Don t fall in love with his kind ANITA What kind is that CARMEN Men ANITA Too late I already love him The question is can I trust him CARMEN sympathetically Oh honey sarcastically of course you CAN T Music begins for The Marrying Kind CARMEN continued You can tackle him and shackle him and drag him to the church But he ll pick the lock and take a walk and leave you in the lurch He can vanish into thin air like a genie I m convinced the man s a regular Houdini He s expert at escaping any ties that bind He s not no knot the marrying kind Lights up on stage right Anita and Carmen freeze Jeff and Sean revive Lights dim on stage left SEAN You re a stallion she s corralling She will hitch you up to plows But you won t destroy unbridled joy by taking wedding vows At the altar there s a halter that you re bound to Never let her build a holding pen around you Without a pen the

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/plays/glama15.html (2016-04-30)
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  • Losing Patients - Script
    all NURSE How much PATIENT Six or seven packs a day NURSE You re a chain smoker PATIENT No mostly camels NURSE Cough Patient coughs once as if responding to a command NURSE continues I meant Do you have a cough Patient has a long fit of coughing hacking and wheezing PATIENT No NURSE Any pneumonia PATIENT Nope same old monia NURSE Any valley fever or tuberculosis PATIENT Valley fever Like for sure I mean like totally valley fever It s tubular culosis NURSE What do you take for it PATIENT What s your best offer NURSE Any headaches or migraines PATIENT Well last St Patrick s Day I went out drinking and woke up with a my green headache NURSE Any tingling or numbness besides your head I mean PATIENT Yes sometimes I have a tingling numbness NURSE You re probably in love Have you had any seizures PATIENT Last week the repo guy took back my car NURSE Abdominal pain PATIENT It s pretty bad but it s not abominable NURSE Nausea vomiting PATIENT Nope NURSE You re just a carrier is that it Any GI problems PATIENT Not since I was discharged from the army NURSE I meant Gastrointestinal Patient shakes his head PATIENT Castro s in Cuba has been ever since I can remember NURSE Does your stomach hurt PATIENT Only PATIENT and NURSE together when I you get slugged in the stomach NURSE Do you have any diarrhea or constipation PATIENT Yes Both at the same time Montezuma s Blockade NURSE Any problem with incontinence PATIENT No I m still competent I can sign my own contracts with a sound mind NURSE A sound mind I wish there were no sound so I couldn t hear it I said incontinence Do you wear any diapers Patient shrugs PATIENT Depends NURSE Do you have any difficulty swallowing PATIENT Only my daughter s excuses when she stays out too late NURSE Reflux PATIENT I don t think I ever had flux in the first place let alone reflux NURSE Arthritis PATIENT Arthritis No my cousin Arthur never writes us but he calls collect all the time NURSE Back problems PATIENT No it s usually when he needs money NURSE Do you have any prosthesis PATIENT ProsTHesis NURSE That s what I THaid PATIENT I have a wooden leg but I have a real foot NURSE How did you lose your leg PATIENT I was engaged and my fiancée broke it off NURSE Bleeding problems PATIENT No no problem bleeding NURSE Cancer PATIENT Sagittarius NURSE Chemical dependency PATIENT What kind of crack is that Nurse notes on clipboard form NURSE Crack PATIENT Wait a minute I don t do drugs I even tell them not to put that white powder on my French toast at I HOP NURSE Are you sure you don t take drugs PATIENT I didn t take any of your drugs I don t even know where you keep em NURSE Are you a

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/plays/patients.html (2016-04-30)
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  • Well, I'll Be - Script
    like this Please take away the drugs GRAM Alright Sweetheart but Sue and Susie convulse in pain Sue moans Susie screams SUSIE Aaack Argh The pain What are you doing GRAM You re addicted to the drugs When they re not there you have withdrawal symptoms SUSIE Stop it Stop the pain GRAM Okay Lights down on Sue Sue exits SUSIE You hurt me Gram I never thought you d do that to me GRAM I m sorry Susie I should have warned you before I let you try that one SUSIE Isn t it possible to be a success without using drugs GRAM Sure it is but I m dealing with probabilities here Even I don t have complete control over what you re going to experience I m really sorry Maybe we should quit for a while SUSIE You didn t do that just to teach me a lesson did you GRAM No but I should have guessed it would happen We should probably call it quits for tonight SUSIE Oh no Gram I know you didn t mean to hurt me Let s keep going We ll both be careful Let s do a couple more GRAM Okay what would you like to try next Do you want to be a teacher SUSIE No way I don t want to be a teacher GRAM They have a good retirement plan and a strong union but if you don t like it let s try something else How about a computer programmer SUSIE Are you kidding GRAM You don t like computers SUSIE Computers are okay I guess I just don t want to be like Kevin or be around people like Kevin GRAM Kevin likes computers SUSIE Kevin is a computer GRAM I get the message no computer programming How about an insurance agent SUSIE Gram Stop being ridiculous GRAM Sorry I ll stop making suggestions Just tell me what you want SUSIE How about an archeologist GRAM Oh I m impressed Okay let s try an archeologist Lights up on Susan dressed in tan shorts and short sleeve shirt She wears a pith helmet She uses a handkerchief to dry her neck and face as she walks to a dig site and kneels on a pad SUSIE I m old again GRAM I thought we settled that Besides some of the best archeologists are older people Susie fans her face with her hand SUSIE Gee it s really hot Where am I GRAM You re looking for evidence of an ancient city in the Middle East You re in the desert It s almost always hot here SUSIE Is that why I m so slow right now or is it because I m old I feel like I m moving in slow motion GRAM It s nothing to worry about You re just being careful not to miss anything as you sift through the dirt SUSIE So I m looking in the dirt for old cities GRAM Sort of Lights down on Susan Susan exits SUSIE Can you show me what I d be like as a young archeologist GRAM Sure but you really need to get over your prejudice against being old When you get old you re still going to be you SUSIE Well I d rather be young But I ll say one thing When you made me old I wasn t as scared or nervous That was kind of a good feeling GRAM That s very perceptive of you Susie Good Shall we try a young archeologist Lights up on Sue who is sitting at a table in a library reading a textbook SUSIE Now what am I doing GRAM You re in the library studying You see when you re young you spend most of your time learning about archeology so you can do it when you get older SUSIE When is something going to happen GRAM Sh In a moment Keep watching Here it comes Now Sue turns the page and continues reading SUSIE Turning a page You call that something happening GRAM Actually reading and understanding the book is more important than turning the page but I thought you meant something you could see SUSIE Hmph This book is really boring How much longer do I read GRAM Oh quite a while And you take notes too SUSIE When do I get outside When do I look for ancient treasure Where are the traps and bad guys GRAM Traps and bad guys SUSIE Indiana Jones hunts for treasures but there re always traps and bad guys GRAM I don t think that s much like real life In fact I can only think of one archeologist who ever found what you d call treasure Most of them just work in libraries or comb the dirt for bones or bits of pottery Sue pulls an old map out of the book and unfolds it She stands and leans over the table to examine the map carefully SUSIE Aha What s this A map I love maps I love to pretend that I m traveling to all those places GRAM Imagination can make any job an adventure You need a good imagination to be an archeologist SUSIE Well it s not quite what I thought it was but it might still be fun Lights down on Sue Sue exits GRAM Do you want to try any more SUSIE I d like to help people Can you make me a doctor GRAM I think that can be arranged Lights up on Susan She is dressed in a doctor s lab coat She is writing and reviewing notes on a clipboard SUSIE I m in an office GRAM Before you say anything about being old let me tell you that you can t be a young doctor To be a doctor you have to go to school for eight or ten years If I made you young you d still be in school

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/plays/wellillb.html (2016-04-30)
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  • Science and the Brain, Stay Young and Agile
    sleeping consider the tips at www helpguide org life sleep tips htm Stress Reduce stress in your life It causes wear and tear on your body and can keep you awake Much of the stress in modern society is probably unavoidable but how we react to that stress is under our control Don t let troubles get you down Read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie Gallery 2004 and The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz Fireside 1987 They can help you cope with stress in your life Eating Eating right is good for your brain We all know what we should be eating but we often stray We need the right building blocks so that our brains can do the building See www elder com Brain Foods and Supplements for some suggestions on the best brain foods Being lean is good for your physical health but diets usually fail in the long run Focus on portion control and on avoiding snacks Combined with exercise and choosing sensible foods you should maintain a healthy weight Stimulation At last we get to the puzzles Our brains need stimulation and activity to stay sharp Puzzles are a fun way to keep our brain cells working but there are other ways Learning performing and even composing music are other great ways to work the brain Square dancing is popular for its exercise as well as its mental workout Find activities that maintain your interest and stimulate your brain The Agile Brain Training Solving problems is easier for the trained mind We can learn how to think Each technique we learn becomes a new tool in our tool kit The agile mind has many tools and practices using them Brain Trainer Puzzles to Keep Your Mind Young and Agile

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/brain/brainsci.html (2016-04-30)
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  • What Makes a Good Puzzle?, William Armstrong
    t s and e s What is another common word that has three sets of double letters in a row with no intervening letters like the i in committee There is no reasonable way to attack this problem except by searching the Internet for web sites that already know the answer Just sitting down and trying to think up the answer is very unlikely to bear fruit If you keep this question stashed in the back of your mind you might someday stumble across bookkeeper and shout Eureka But if you consider questions like this to be puzzles you re likely to be frustrated and not get a good mental exercise A puzzle should be fair I use the term tight to refer to a puzzle that has a single answer that no one would debate Some good valid puzzles aren t 100 tight but they should always be fair The solver must have a fighting chance of success I once read about a sequence puzzle that asked the solver to name the next number in a sequence The sequence had a series of increasing numbers but no obvious pattern The author said that the sequence represented street numbers of stations on a particular subway line in New York City This question is unfair for about 99 999999 of the world s population I ll try to avoid non puzzles like this A puzzle should be more work for the creator to create than it is for the solver to solve Anybody can scramble the letters of a word and ask a solver to anagram it back into something that makes sense If an author uses a computer or a formula to generate puzzles he should at least throw out the ones that aren t fun to solve I expect

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/brain/goodpuz.html (2016-04-30)
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  • Cryptic Crossword Puzzle #9 by William Armstrong
    on airs about 4 16 Bachelor apartment concerning priest 5 18 Paramount holds right to most dazzling 9 20 Rioting near a stadium 5 22 Notice Mr McMahon is following that man 4 24 A leg is mashing fermented fodder 6 26 Grape arbor shelters green vegetable 3 28 Plant that climbs into bloodstream we hear 3 29 Turned up count with no contamination 6 30 Reportedly snatch watches 4 31 Medieval subjects heard in plays on the Web 5 Down 1 Failure to look up professional charges 4 2 In the style of God Moslems say 1 2 3 Deviously I lure a girl 6 4 A bit of parsley No out of season 5 5 Aesop s hug twisted gullet 9 6 Cheese is centerpiece of cafe table 4 7 Rent second half of ballet 3 8 Opposed to a poem 6 9 Circus venue exhibits Einstein s first principle 5 15 A railroad I ve come to 6 17 Rising sword split doctor farther in 6 18 Second grade is accepted as foundation 5 19 Heard of those people in that place 5 21 Sleeps through most of C SPAN retrospective 4 23 Doris and Dennis vocalizing

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/brain/puz9nofr.htm (2016-04-30)
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  • Cryptic Crossword Puzzle #9 by William Armstrong
    2000 William C Armstrong Solve this puzzle Interactively View the Printable version of this puzzle Let Me Check My Answers How to Solve Cryptic Crosswords Go back to the Puzzle

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/brain/puz9grid.htm (2016-04-30)
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  • sort of The answer means stadium 22 Across Clear Hints Put Mr McMahon after a word meaning that man and get a word meaning notice 24 Across Clear Hints Mashing suggests an anagram of A LEG IS The answer means fermented fodder 26 Across Clear Hints Shelters suggests a hidden word in grape arbor The answer means green vegetable 28 Across Clear Hints We hear suggests a homophone of an abbreviation meaning into bloodstream The answer is a plant that climbs 29 Across Clear Hints Turned UP a word meaning count as in count on a word meaning with no contamination 30 Across Clear Hints Reportedly suggests a homophone of a word meaning snatch The answer means watches 31 Across Clear Hints Heard in suggests a homophone of a word meaning plays on Web The answer means medieval subjects 1 Down Clear Hints Abbreviate failure Then add a word for look when read up wards The answer means professional charges 2 Down Clear Hints The word for God that Moslems say sounds like a phrase meaning in the style of 3 Down Clear Hints Deviously suggests an anagram of I LURE A The answer is a girl s name 4 Down Clear Hints Take N No out of a word for a season The result is a word meaning a bit of parsley 5 Down Clear Hints Twisted suggests an anagram resulting in a word meaning gullet 6 Down Clear Hints A hidden word is suggested by centerpiece of The answer is a kind of cheese 7 Down Clear Hints The answer means rent It is found in the second half of the word ballet 8 Down Clear Hints Combine A a word meaning poem and get a word meaning opposed to 9 Down Clear Hints A word for circus

    Original URL path: http://williamarmstrong.com/brain/puz9hint.htm (2016-04-30)
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